Why do we see ourselves in other people? 

Exploring the world of projections.

 

Can you think of a time where you found yourself feeling really irritated by someone else, only to wonder why their behaviour affected you so much? Or another situation where you met somebody who you really admired – leaving you wishing you were more like them? These feelings are less about the other person and more about reflections on how you feel about yourself. As humans, we experience others through a lens of our own experiences.  This includes our beliefs, fears, hopes and unresolved emotions.  I always say we don’t experience the world as it is but as we are.

 

One of the ways in which this happens is through a process called projection.  Projection is an unconscious defence mechanism, where we attribute our thoughts, feelings or qualities, that we struggle to recognise in ourselves – to somebody else.  These projections can have a big impact on how we experience relationships, friendships, family dynamics and interactions with work colleagues.  They can cause conflict and misunderstandings but can also reveal hidden strengths and aspirations that we haven’t acknowledged within ourselves.

 

Here are some examples of how projections can show up:

 

  • Feeling judged by others when you are highly self-critical
  • Accusing someone of being controlling when you feel out of control internally
  • Believing someone is angry with you when you’re holding unexpressed anger
  • Seeing others as “selfish” when you struggle to prioritise your own needs
  • Someone uncomfortable with their own needs may label their partner as “needy”
  • Jealousy can sometimes be a projection of one’s own insecurities or fear of not being enough
  • Labelling a friend as “too much” when you struggle with emotional closeness
  • A parent projecting their own unmet ambitions onto a child (“You’re not trying hard enough”)
  • A sibling accusing another of being “the favourite” while holding their own feelings of inadequacy
  • Interpreting neutral feedback as criticism due to self-doubt

 

Projections are something we all do at times, often unconsciously.  It is usually a protective strategy which can help us avoid shame, discomfort and vulnerability.  I can’t feel my feelings around this, so I project them on to you. Whilst this strategy might protect us, it can cause great confusion and conflict in our relationship world.  They are influenced by past experiences and attachment patterns, core beliefs about ourselves, difficulty expressing or processing emotions and fear or conflict and rejection.

 

So how do we start to manage projections?

 

It isn’t something to just eliminate completely, but something to become aware of.  With the awareness can come great insight and direction within yourself.  Here are some tips on where to start:

 

1. Pause and reflect – what am I feeling now and is there any evidence for this?

2. Turn the lens inward – is this something that could belong to me? Is this about my struggle internally? Be curious with yourself

3. Reality check your thoughts – ask for clarification instead of assuming intent and check for behaviour that’s matches the interpretation

4. Open communication.  Own your feelings but ask curious questions – ‘I noticed I felt anxious when that happened – can we talk about that?’ This can reduce defensiveness and invite connection

5. Build emotional awareness – explore further in therapy, journalling or mindful practices.

 

Remember to be compassionate towards yourself whilst navigating your projections. It is part of being human and we all do it. It often highlights an unmet need, an old wound or a part of ourselves that needs attention. Of course, it is important to take responsibility for our projections but you can see it is an invitation. To understand ourselves deeply and to relate to others around us, with greater clarity. For many of us, we put a lot of energy into understanding others and what they do but perhaps it is about turning inwards and doing more to understand ourselves and how we relate to the world.

 

 

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